at work, i'm just a typical quiet employee that everyone wouldn't notice if i'm around or not. and i don't mind it. as long as i know that i'm doing my job pretty well and giving my deliverables on time with quality. and my bosses like my work.

but for the past couple of weeks, i'm observing some of my co-workers on their attitude towards work.  some of them, not all, are exhibiting this "i-am-so-damn-smart" aura. but when it comes to actual performance, i hate to say it but they suck.  the quality of their deliverables is not good.  yeah, they can deliver on time but has lots of defects on it.  and when they got confronted, they have sooo many excuses about it.

another thing, if one of our colleagues missed some tasks unintentionally or due to other priorities, they're always reiterating his/her fault. even copying the management on the email threads informing that the person did something bad.  and they're like implying that if they're the ones to do it, that won't happen.. well.. but in reality, that happens to them too, more often that not.. i dont know what they're up to. but it seems to me that everytime they put down a person, they could feel within themselves that they're far better off.. but the way i see it.. err... never.. they just prove that they're jerks!

the sad thing about it in most of the company, those jerks get the promotion easily.. because they're so "visible" to the management.. but that doesn't impress me.. i know and i've witnessed a lot of it that they usually take credits which should be given to their colleagues or subordinates.  if there's anything good happen, they're always in front. but if the problems arise, they always find someone to point at and put him/her in a situation that the poor employee has nothing to say but to accept it and get all the blame.

now.. in analyzing what those jerks are doing....
do they care about others? no!
do they care about the deliverables? no!
do they care about the company? no!
do they care about their bosses? no!
this is because they care about nothing or nobody in this world but themselves... and that's bullshit!

haay... i don't know why i feel upset with what happened.  i shouldn't be acting like this, instead i should give you comforting words to make you feel better.. like i'm always trying to do.. but i can't, not now.. maybe i would just need to take some rest also..

i don't want to argue about anything with you right now.. i understand how stressful the thing that happened to you and your friends just a while ago.. with all the tensions you had because your friend was stabbed with a knife by the stranger.. the hospital that doesn't accept patient if there's no downpayment.. the statements you needed to discuss for the police reports.. all that kind of stuff would really make you put in a panic mode..

you just did the right thing.. because if i ever i'd be on your shoes, definitely, i would do the same thing... but... it seems that you forgot one thing... oops.. not a thing.. you just forgot....me!  it may sound selfish.. but with all the worries i had, i was about to be so crazy thinking so much about what was happening to you.. i was trying to call you several times but you did not pick up the fone.. uhmm,actually you did but just once, telling me that you'd just call me when everything's fine.. i waited for hours and hours just to get an update from you.. if you only knew how hard for me to tell myself that you're just fine.. we're million miles apart,dear.. and i was soooo worried about you.. worried that i can't even focused to my job.. i was checking my phone from time to time if you have already sent a message or gave me a call.. haaaayy...

maybe i also felt sad because i was expecting that whenever there's an instance like this, you'll try to involve me and asking, at least, for my moral support.. i know i can't do anything with what happened because like what i just said, we're miles apart.  i just wanted to let you feel that whatever happens, i'm just always here for you..  but i did not feel that way.. i did not feel that you need me because you were trying to solve your problem on your own (or with your friends).. you didn't even bother to ask for prayers or whatever.. haaayy...

just a thought.. do you really want me to be part of your world?  because with what just happened, it seems that you want to do your things on your own.. you don't need me anymore.. and you don't even care that i care for you.. that it's making me crazy thinking how you are, and always talking to GOD to protect you from danger... haaayy... if you only knew... the only reason why i'm acting this way is because....... i care so much about you and i really really love you.... >:D<

i have lots of things to do and i don't know where to start.  i have no idea what will happen.. only GOD knows... yeah.. i know i shouldn't be worried because HE has much much better plans and reasons why these things are happening to me right now. but i can sense that HE wants me to move and do something for it, and not depend so much on others. i have to make it on my own just physically, because deep within me, i know HE's there for me.. like HE always do...

LORD, please lead me to the right directions, to the right path, and to the right persons that you will be using for me to fulfill my goals.  i cannot do it alone.. i need YOU LORD, i need YOUR Divine Grace... Let me know YOUR will for me and make me determined to complete each one of them...

Sorry for the times that i feel so worried.. i believe you're with me, but as a human, LORD, i admit that i am weak.. LORD, for these moments, please wrap me in YOUR arms and hug me.. maybe i just need to feel YOU LORD.. to make me feel that YOU're guiding me every step i make...

LORD, i lift up to you everything... Though in some instances, it seems so impossible.. But with YOUR Power, Everything without any exception is possible...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge HIM, and HE will make your path straight.. " --Proverbs 3:5-6

i really really miss you soooo much... i don't know what you did to me.. it seems that you've awaken the cheezinez part of me.. i thought i already forgot how it feels.. how it feels to be in love and be loved.. i just hope that it won't change.. i also wish that you can still wait for me.. waiting without any "sidelines" until i come back.. because i'm looking forward for that moment.. the moment when i could say directly that i really do love you and let you feel that i you mean so much to me..

dear... i'm still holding on, like what you're always telling me to do.. i know i can stand all the hardships.. but please.... don't give me any reasons not to.. because recently, we had lots of arguments and discussion.. i know it's part of a relationship.. yeah, i admit (just here in my own blog) that we're "in a relationship" status. . however, it is not official.. haayy.. please dear... just be the person that i know you.. don't let your environment affects your personality.. be strong... hold on.. baby hold on... i miss you... i wanna see you.. i wanna hug you.. i wanna kiss you... i love you... >:D<

why do i have this feeling that you're starting to ignore me?  hmm.. maybe "ignore" is not the right term.. it is something like you're not spending "quality time" with me now.. you know what? i have nothing against all your gimicks and night outs.. all i want is after those happy times you had with your friends, is for you to find time spending just a few minutes for the two of us?  i miss you so much.. we're miles apart and that's what makes things more difficult.. you know that i'm type of person who loves to hug and to be hugged.. and everytime i think of you, i wanna be in your arms again.. maybe i could spend all days and all nights just by hugging you and lying in your arms.. maybe that's weird..but that's me..

recently, i'm letting you do what you wanna do.. because i know that would make you happy.. and those are the things that i cannot do for you now, or with you... i didn't have to start any arguments related to your drinking sessions, going to bars, and etc.. i also want you to enjoy what you used to enjoy even before we met..

*sigh*.... right now.. it's like i'm being selfish maybe... but i really want to talk to you and have a deep conversation like we used to.. i don't know when was the last time we had that "quality time" i'm looking for now.. because you have lots of things to do.. those hours that our schedule overlap so we can talk are also the hours of your plans to go out.. haaay.. if only i have all the rights to let you just stay at home and talk to me 24hours.. but since until now, i don't "acknowledge" our relationship so technically, you can still go out anytime you want.  if only i could see you personally to formalize what the real status of the two of "us" right now, i would do that. i'm really looking forward to that day, dear... i can't wait to say those words you want to hear from me a long long time ago.. i wanna say "i love you so much my dear" then hug and kiss you, maybe for the longest time we could..as if we're the only persons in this world... if you only knew how i'm madly in love with you right now and how hard for me to suppress my feelings just to wait for that moment... haaay... i miss you soooo much..

i'm like a 5-year old girl now who wants to have tantrums and shout until i get what i want.. i want to call you even in the middle of your sleep just to say i miss you... i want you to make me feel how special i am to you too.. i don't know.. i'm starting to be a childish and longing for something...something that only you can give....... dear..... i'm longing for your love...... i love you and miss you sooo much...

>:D<>:D<>:D<>:D< :-* *-: >:D<>:D<>:D<>:D<